A Fistful of Ham

Question: What is a good name for a band? Or, to be more specific, what is a good name for the youth worship group here in Arna? When we played at last Sunday's scout service, John Øyvind wanted to introduce us with a name. At this point we realised he couldn't, as we didn't have one. So I'm calling on you to help christen the band. To help you with your suggestions, let me tell you something about the members of the group:

Fifteen-year-old guitarist Øyvind stands a towering 6'2" tall and couldn't be a nicer, more sociable chap. He can always be relied upon for a light-hearted chat or a bit of banter and as we laid many tables last Saturday we had a good old chuckle that the Norwegian for "dish" sounds quite a lot like the English word "fart". Øyvind loves the Chili Peppers and could launch into Californication at any given moment. Sharing vocal duties are Marthe and Anita. Marthe, sporting dreads, sends text messages in increasingly complex and colloquial Norwegian, throwing in a bit of Swedish too, for who knows what reason. She has recently begun developing her own take on the worship leader hand communication signals expertly employed by Jennie Orange and has the rip taken out of her at school for speaking English with a British accent. Good on her. Anita is possibly the person you'd be most likely to find at the church if you were to drop by at any random time. She puts in a lot of hours and, as far as I can remember, is the only singer I've known who has also perfectly mastered the use of PA equipment. It should also be noted that she is an excellent dancer.

The rhythm section is comprised of a drumming sibling tag team (Miriam and John Håvard) and a ham-fisted Englishman on the bass. John Håvard is a proper Barnabas - I think that every time I speak to or text him he encourages me about how "flink" I am at "norsk". He is a big fan of the Beatles, Elvis and other pop music of the sixties, and regularly invites me round for Indiana Jones or some other quality film. His older sister Miriam is both dreadlocked and allergic to milk. She claims to hate speaking English even though she is rather good at it, and has no small amount of talent when it comes to art. She is also emerging as something of a multi-instrumentalist, filling in on guitar for the absent Øyvind at Casa Feliz this week. Now this is where I come in, slightly old and out of place, fumbling desperately for a bass line that isn't chronically cheesy. I wish I could hit those amazing, discordant notes that sound so impressive but, sadly, I lack the necessary skill. On occasion I am required to play guitar and, to my great joy, drums.

So to the question of names. I've never been in a band that lacked an outstanding name - The Little Ferrets, Agent Bosco Sumo Monkey and Aaron's Beard clearly testify to that. Therefore it is quite important that this one doesn't let me down. Care to comment?